I got a letter today (oh boy)! It was from my pathetic pension company Lincoln Assurance – oh I feel so assured thank you. Not. Only yesterday I was surmising that my pension must be a bit buggered considering that I knew the aforesaid pension company is US owned and based on ‘slow moving commodities’ Doh! Big doh! Anyway – guess what the letter said? Yes – you guessed right.
Sorry – due to there being no money left your monthly pension payment needs to go up – that way we can possibly recoup some of your money that we have squandered over the years and eventually tell you that it has not performed when you are old and ready to retire only to realise that you can’t.
Actually – it was much worse than that – it really said –
due to an ‘error’ it appears that your premiums have not been automatically increased by 7.5% per annum which they should have been since you took out the policy. We have identified that a number of these increases have been missed, which you may have also noticed from the annual mailings and statements we send you (er..no.). Please accept our apologies for this. (So you are admitting that it is your error then?). To correct this we will reinstate the automatic increase from the next policy anniversary in 2009. The level at which your premium will increase is not yet known (why not?) and so we will let you know this nearer the time. If you do not wish us to reinstate the increase then please complete the enclosed reply slip and return to us in the pre-paid envelope. (So I have a choice – then? Oh whoopee.)
Not that I am paranoid or anything but: (a) they have been trusted with my money every month for the last 12 years (b) if they have made ‘an error’ then shouldn’t they be compensating me for loss of pension performance/revenue to date? (c) do they think I was born fucking yesterday? It appears they have a massive shortfall to correct due to the current nonsense world money meltdown situation and are possibly using this ‘ploy’ to recoup the money back in a sort of mini bail-out plan (d) I will get to the bottom of this and they will become tired of speaking to me (e) how do I get my hands on the little money I have invested in my idiot pension over the last 12 years with these buffoons?
This is all I have to say to them:
(photo: courtesy of Big Al Davies – ukelele player extraordinaire to the stars)
I’m off to my dearly beloved most favourite person ever Godfather’s memorial/scattering/wake tomorrow – I may be gone for some time. Hit me for six if truth be known. I’m dreading it. Here is a picture of us at Chessington Zoo when I was nearly two (ish). I remember everything about it – it was a cold winter’s day and that was my favourite coat but I didn’t like having my hood up and I kept grabbing Chris’s eye sockets because he was the tallest man in the world – and the best. He will be so missed.
Chris Heneghan Always My Favourite 1945 – 2008
