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Me me me Meme!

Oh for goodness sake – another meme. I wasn’t going to join in but thought I would stop being a grump and enter the ranks of meme-ers out there – thanks Billy for this.

Have you had sex in the past 24 hours? I wish! Are you gay? No. But quite a lot of my friends are. Do you have hairy legs? Sometimes – but I’m not a naturally very hairy person anyway. Lots of people are jealous of me for that.

Do you smoke anything? Used to – lots! Don’t anymore but never say never. Do you like monkeys? Of course I do. Filmed orangutans in Borneo two years ago – I didn’t want to stop holding them – they are quite the warmest, happy, friendly, clever creatures I’ve ever encountered.

How many fillings do you have? Do root canals count? None if they don’t. Two if they do.

Would you rather swim in the ocean or a lake? The sea! Have you ever licked one of those square batteries? Yes. I used to like the fizzy buzz on my tongue that they made when you licked them. Have you ever read the Bible? Bits. I’ve still got my Childrens Illustrated Bible published by Puffin 1972.

Did you ever go to Sunday School? Yes – briefly (only a few times) in Bournemouth c.1970. I hated it and was forced to go by my sadistic grandmother who I’m sure shoved me there so she could boil the Sunday lunch within an inch of it’s life without me hanging around. Do you wear a lot of black? Yes, I have worn alot of black in my time but a little more adventurous now.

Did you ever bring a weapon to school? Does Tippex Thinner count? Have you ever hugged a tree? No – but I’ve hugged a standing stone in France before. Do you know what a sphincter actually is? Of course I bloody do!

Describe your hair? Straight but goes curly in the rain. I used to have a fringe years ago and when it rained I used to get what I called ‘owly ears’!

Are you a wildbeast? Is that some sort of new chocolate biscuit?

Do you like to have fun? As long as I’m not being made to against my will. Do you like drama? Dahhhhling – I love it! Have you ever taken a bong hit? Of course I have. Do you like mayonnaise? Yes, but I stopped eating it last year and only have goats or sheeps yoghurt instead. I tried it the other day and I couldn’t believe how sweet it was. I used to have mayonnaise on toast with butter as a child and tomato ketchup sandwiches.

Are you afraid to die? No – except in pain and alone without anyone realising I’m actually dying. So maybe yes then?

Do you like playing in leaves? Yes I like kicking them really hard and hoping that I don’t connect with any dog shit in the process. Have you ever peed your pants as an adult? Good god no! Have you ever thrown up on somebody as an adult? No – but but I did puke on a duvet about 10 years ago and at the foot of a gaggle of terrified Japanese tourists in Regent Street when I had uncontrollable morning sickness. I felt so undignified and ashamed – they all screamed and grouped together in a huddle. Are you an adult? In body – possibly not in spirit

Ever won a spelling bee? whateva! Do you ever eat because you’re depressed? No. If anything I’ll eat much less when I’m depressed Are you a television addict? No, but watched an inordinate amount especially as a child. In fact, I used to occassionally bunk off school to watch Australian soap Sons and Daughters.

Do you think OJ was guilty? Yes and he fucking knows it!

Do you enjoy spending time with your mother? Yes, unless she’s annoying me. Have you ever had sex in a hot tub? Can’t remember. I don’t think so. On a swing? No. But have had sex hanging out of a window and on a clifftop on the Ring of Kerry. Do you like Elvis? Yes. Do you enjoy watching animals “do it” on the Discovery channel? Don’t care much for the Disco Channel and would rather be doing it myself than watching animals do it. Ever been hit on at a zoo? No except by my mum giving me a thick ear for being rude. Have you ever had sex with a total stranger? Sort of – but I did ask him his name afterwards. Do you enjoy the calming effects of turkeys? If that is anything to do with gobbling – no. Turkeys smell and have been exploited by Evil Bernard Matthews. I think they should do to him what he has done to the turkeys.

Does your mom think someone is hot? I think she likes Steven Berkoff. Are you a sugar freak? No – much prefer savoury anyday Ever been arrested? No but was cautioned for being rude to a police officer once.

Ever commit a crime and get away with it? The odd bit of fare-dodging and horrible Vivian Sallis stuffed a packet of sweet cigarettes up my sleeve when I was only 6 (she was eight and should have known better!) – I was really upset as she bullied me into not squealing and we got caught. I’ve never really forgotten that feeling of utter fear of being made to do something bad against your will.

Do you like orange juice? Only freshly squeezed from my 1950’s press I lugged back from a junk shop in St Kilda in 1999. Rip It Up and Start Again was ok I suppose.

What sign are you? Beautiful Aquarius.

Ever do the party boy dance in front of the elderly? Oh shut up! I’m bored now. Where do you wish you were right now? Stabbing pencils in my eyes because I wish I wasn’t here doing this

Did you enjoy this? Sort of but now I know why I haven’t done a meme before and won’t again. Ever!

So there you go – thankfully I survived this inanity by listing to Bobcast 6 which kept me sane throughout. Another great cast Bob – thank you and I had forgotten how lovely a singing voice you have – great. I get my microphone tomorrow – I think that is all I need now to start the forthcoming Romocast’s. I’m just off down the road to investigate another weirdo in our neighbourhood. Bob – you might have seen him? There is a man that sits each morning in a bus shelter just before Brunel University/Ballet Rambert and reads the paper, makes calls on his phone, drinks water (could be gin mind?) and generally hangs out until around five o clock when he obviously buggers off home. I was wondering whether he is doing that weird thing where he has lost his job and hasn’t told his wife yet. She thinks he goes to work but in fact, he goes to the bus stop and treats it like his office. I did actually see him ranting madly down the phone the other day so perhaps he’s just an alcoholic lunatic. He’s got a small shopping trolley as well – maybe his portable bar? Anyway – I’m working from (wasting time not doing work) home today so might just pop down to have a look on the pretense of catching a bus. Actually, Bob – is it you? Does Ma Swipe still think you’re going to the library every morning? I knew it!

Laters pop-pickers.

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