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Innovations Anyone?

I have had one of those days surrounded by newspapers and all the extraneous detritus that fall out of them. Firstly, a supplement that towards the back pages was advertising the most revolting cuckoo clock ever to be invented – this:

I would love to know how many they actually sell – I mean – they are hideous. A speedometer-style clock face complete with counter (although I am not sure what it counts) and instead of the humble cuckoo you get a motorcycle that revs out of it’s little house on the hour each and every hour. Who invents these things? More importantly – who buys these things? And they are £100 quid! Not cheap but apparently ‘collectible’. My attention then turned to easylife catalogue which really is a re-vamped Innovations Catalogue that used to be such a source of inspiration and shame when one’s parents actually bought something from it:

“Clever and space-saving concertina shoe-tidy”

“Special-bending ladder for those awkward high jobs”

“Pain-saving Electro-Magnetic Bunion Corrector”

I saw this in it today –

a really horrible piece of furniture that claims to ‘save space’ but just makes your living room look more cluttered if you ask me by stuffing all your tv guides and Razzles in the side bits. The wide-fitting bunion corrector shoes made me really laugh for some reason. Lift up lid for easy access and roller glide wheels


Ugh! It’s horrible. But wait, look, it’s Puzzle Kaddy!


Sorry – I would love to come over and stop you from killing yourself but I’m afraid I am half way through my 1000 piece Changing Of the Guard Collectors Edition jigsaw. Well it’s taken me ages and I really want to finish it. Actually, hang on – I can use my marvellous Puzzle Kaddy – I’ll be there in a jiffy!


You even get a nice blonde lady to carry it for you – attractive, lightweight and fully portable!

I could go on but I won’t. And now for some proper culture – for those who missed The Bard Of Salford on Radio 4 last week – a nice little 30 minute ode to John Cooper Clarke – the man who should be poet laureate – you can listen again here. I can not believe he remains unpublished. Surely someone like Faber or Canongate would be interested in publishing his work? It’s a shame the show is presented by Paul Morley as I don’t think he comes across that well and a little smug perhaps…? Nevertheless, it is worth a listen if you have the time.

And lastly – what did you dream last night?

For weeks I have been plagued by terrifying and repetitive dreams of big spiders attacking me – real pain – always biting me on my arm and jumping at me. Really awful. Last night I had a welcome break but just as potty – I dreamed I was Tour Manager for The Damned’s European Tour. God it was hard work. I kept losing the band and then it was in and out of hotel after hotel and lots of lounging around in bedrooms getting stoned. Captain Sensible kept making me smoke dope and made everyone late all the time. I tried to tell him off – only to be offered another joint. Hilarious.

Finally, I predict this track Harmonia by Shortwave Set off their debut Replica Sun Machine album (out tomorrow) could be a big summer hit:

Nighty night pop pickers.

Catch my Listen With Rockmother podcasts here.

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